My soul does not find itself unless it acts. Therefore it must act. Stagnation and inactivity bring spiritual death. But my soul must not project itself entirely into the outward effects of its activity. I do not need to see myself, I merely need to be myself. I must think and act like a living being, but I must not plunge my whole self into what I think and do, or seek always to find myself in the work I have done. The soul that projects itself in the work of its own will is like a madman who sleeps on the footpath in front of his house instead of living inside where it is quiet and warm. The soul that throws itself outdoors in order to find itself in the effects of its own work is like a fore that has no desire to burn but seeks only to go up in smoke.
The reason why man is so anxious to see themselves instead of being content to be themselves is that they do not really believe in their own existence. And they do not fully believe that they exist because they do not believe in God. That is equally true of those who say they believe in God (without actually putting their faith into action) and of those who do not pretend to have any faith.
In either case, the loss of faith has involved at the same time a complete loss of all the sense of reality. Being means nothing to those who hate and fear what they themselves are. Therefore they cannot have peace in their own reality (which reflects the reality of God). They must struggle to escape their own true being, and verify a false existence by constantly viewing what they themselves do. They have to keep looking in the mirror for re-assurance. What do they expect to see? Not themselves! They are hoping to see some sign that they have become the god they hope to become by the means of their own frantic activity – invulnerable, all powerful, infinitely wise, unbearably beautiful, unable to die.
When a man constantly looks and looks at himself in the mirror of his own acts, his spiritual double vision splits him into two people. And if he strains his eyes hard enough, he forgets which one is real. In fact, reality is no longer found either in himself or in his shadow. The substance has gone out of itself into the shadow and has become two shadows instead of one real person.
Then the battle begins. Whereas one shadow was meant to praise the other, now one shadow accuses the other. The activity that was meant to exalt him, reproaches and condemns him. It is never real enough. The less he is able to be the more he has to do. He becomes his own slave driver – a shadow whipping a shadow to death, because it cannot produce reality, infinitely substantial reality, out of it own nonentity.
Then comes fear. The shadow becomes afraid of the shadow. He who “is notâ€� becomes terrified at the things he cannot do. Whereas for a while he had the illusions of infinite power, miraculous sanctity (which he was able to guess at in the mirror of his virtuous actions), now it is all changed. Tidal waves of nonentity, of powerlessness, of hopelessness surge up within him at every action he attempts.
Then the shadow judges and hates the shadow who is not a god and who can do absolutely nothing.
Self contemplation leads to the most terrible despair of a god that hates himself to death. This is the ultimate perversion of man who was made in the likeness and image of the TRUE God, who was made to Love eternally and perfectly an infinite good – a good (note this well) which he has to find dwelling inside himself!!!!!
In order to find God in ourselves, we must stop looking at ourselves, stop checking and verifying ourselves in the mirror of our own futility, and be content to be in Him and do whatever He wills, according to our limitations, judging our own acts not in the light of our own illusions, but in the Light of His reality which is all around us in the things and people we live with
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