From a blog by one of my favourite Christian teachers - Fr Richard Ruhr
I think that many of us men, celibate men even more, are very afraid of intimacy. I would define intimacy as the ability to mutually share one’s needs, one’s wounds, or one’s weaknesses with another person. The sharing of our inner or interior world (“intimus” in Latin) is always a risk, usually a fear of rejection, and thus many of us never go there. It might change our self image. But I am going to make a rather absolute statement: people who risk intimacy are invariably happier and much more real people. They feel like they have lots of “handles” that allow others to hold on to them, and that allow them to hold onto themselves! People who avoid intimacy are always, and I mean always, imprisoned in a small and circular world. One good thing about celibacy is that it can tell us that an awful lot of sex is not intimacy at all. The good thing about sexuality is that it creates an obvious and ideal container for true intimacy, at least now and then. I really wonder how one would know how to be iintimate with God, if you have never practiced risky self disclosure with at least one other human being (Is this the real meaning of “nakedness”?). I sincerely doubt the possibility. Both healthy celibacy and sexual encounter demand deep and true intimacy, and both can be the most effective avoidance of it. (Written after almost 50 years in a celibate community of men, and after lots of counseling in a “strangely” sexualized world.)
link to the original http://richardrohr.wordpress.com/
Hmm, catchy title. I do a lot of couple's counseling, it's generally really hard to get the guys to open up and share what's really going on with them. Interesting article.
ReplyDeleteYes - I must admit this article is something very accurate in my case too - made me think about how closed I tend to be too. Maybe I might try and share my fears a bit more. Interesting work you must do then working with couples. Richard Ruhr runs workshops and has wriiten many, many books and articles on the complex subject of men!!
ReplyDeleteDon't you think that since the advent of the internet, and more particularly blogging, a strange new form of 'intimacy' has arisen? Many have found they can share their innermost thoughts and feelings with potentially thousands of people online and yet still find it difficult to do so with one person face to face.
ReplyDeleteThis is a message that the world today needs to hear and contemplate seriously. There is absolutely no intimacy (by this definition) involved in what passes for love these days. No wonder, marriages fail. If two truly are to become one, intimacy is required.
ReplyDeleteIt took a while to understand?
ReplyDeleteI agree with him, of course.
ReplyDeleteI think he is stating his credentials rather than saying it is a sudden realisation
ReplyDeleteyeah I hear what you re saying and yes I believe. likewise. that we tend to be more open and honest with the anonominity of the internet. It is a good point you raise. I guess it could be that people can be more open as online friends are more easily replaced if they do not like what they hear.
ReplyDeleteyes that is so true. I know I find it difficuklt to open up to others and maybe something I could start to do - had never really thought about it much before and can see how he says it limits us as men!!
ReplyDeleteI think men generally have more difficulty in sharing or even communicating their feelings whether to another male or to a partner. Men talk about football, politics or finances, women talk love, children and food but open up to one another in a totally different way. Maybe it goes back to the old " real men don't cry" or a sense of male toughness needed to deal with the world??
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you have heard of Angus Buchan,who wrote "Faith like Potatoes." ? His ministry here, Shalom Ministries, specifically cater for men, "Mighty Men" where they bring the head of the household back to God and back to being the head by praying and sharing. He is doing some remarkable work here.
Intimacy in the sense you describe has always been an essential part of my life, I have no difficulty in sharing emotions with friends and loved ones either male or female, I can not imagine not being able to do that! I guess I was bought up in a very open environment.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and her family are huggers. My family never has been. As my parents have reached their senior years, however, they want to be touched a lot more. Dad almost forces me to hug him goodbye when I leave with my family after a visit. My wife does not understand why it is so difficult for me to hug someone. Verbally, I am one of the most intimate people you will meet. But when it comes time for the hugs, I sit like a bump and avoid.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant brother Keith! Being celibate for over 27 years, I am living proof that lack of a sex life leads to ... well ... thunderous enlightenment. The earth moves, the stars fall from the sky in front of one's feet ... and that is just in the first week!
ReplyDeleteOf course, I have huge issues with intimacy of the sharing kind ... like on Multiply or Facebook, that sort-of thing ... I'm a very private person. So don't tell anyone my secret to success with you Keithie boy??!!!
Men do have more difficulty in sharing and communication but I do not think we need know why but just do something about it. He said in this post 'People who avoid intimacy are always, and I mean always, imprisoned in a small and circular world". This is what stood out to me as I read and as you mentioned in the ministry of Angus Buchan - it goes beyond the self created prison built by men and has it's negative affects on the family and ultimately in social structure of the community at large. I Think Richard was refering to Adams fall from Grace where both he and eve became aware of their 'nakedness' and that also meant (perhaps) that they lost their ability to be totally intimate. This I think fits in well with Buchans ministry too - being intimate with God, wife and family.
ReplyDeleteWhat a blessing!! Just keep on hugging!! The world needs huggers - haha.I am thinking this gives you a great sense of freedom - do you agree as Ricard states "you have lots of “handles” that allow others to hold on to you, and that allow you to hold onto yourself??
ReplyDeleteWe are a product of our environment and this becomes a generational thing, I guess, but somewhere along the line someone will change the pattern. Interesting you mention the verbal intimacy - it is much the same for me but I have always known, in my case anyway, it is my way of avoiding intimacy but thats as far as it went - being aware of it.
ReplyDeleteYour secret is safe with me!!! You are the living example of what is really being said here. Intimacy = happiness and being true to ones self!!! alternatively Lack of intimacy = a life of avoidance and never loving ones self!!
ReplyDeleteGood to see you posting again Keith.
ReplyDelete